Mind-Body checklist for supporting a loved one through Cancer Diagnosis
Recently, a musician in my community died by suicide after being diagnosed with throat cancer. It’s understandable, in a sense, for a sensitive artist to feel overwhelmed by the prospect of losing his voice, and his ability express himself. And, if he had more feelings than finances, it’s not hard to imagine feeling isolated and overwhelmed by all the grim possibilities. What could have been done in those critical moments following his diagnosis, to give him the support and encouragement he needed, so maybe he wouldn’t feel so helpless and alone? I didn’t know him personally, and only got the information in the way this type of news often travels— But if I had met him, or talked to somebody close to him, what would I have said?
Drawing on years of experience, having been present in the hospital intervening with doctors and helping patients and families process through it in the moments, would I have been able to offer a perspective or a connection point that might have been helpful to him, in the absence of any tangible hope? Although we can never really know what’s in another person’s mind, in no particular order, here are some points for everyone’s consideration, as we feel the ripple-effect of cancer’s emotional toll, and navigate the changing relationships with each other and ourselves:
A cancer diagnosis is Traumatic with a capital T. It’s natural for thoughts to spin out of control and to consider the worst case scenario; feeling panicked and hopeless is normal when you’re in shock and grieving for your life as you know it. It’s okay to feel depressed or anxious, and in moments like these, maybe it’s just good sense. No matter what you’re feeling, you’re not really out of control: this is what it feels like to be a Trauma Survivor. Trauma, by its nature is painful, and pain increases when we resist against it. So, even though it may seem counter-intuitive, the worse it feels, try to give yourself a pat on the back of taking this blow and living through it. FEEL THE PAIN, and then TAKE A BREATH.
A good rule of thumb: right after diagnosis, DON’T DO ANYTHING FOR 1 WEEK. Don’t make any treatment decisions, or stress out about your Will. Just give yourself time to sit with all the information you have, and to feel all of your feelings. Feel the live-force within you, as you process what you know, and try not to worry too much about what you don’t. Something I learned working in the cancer center, is that unless you are in some dire medical crisis that requires immediate attention, 1 week isn’t typically detrimental to the treatment process, but in the long run, can be crucial in allowing your mind to catch up with your body, so you can move forward with all your faculties in order.
Doctors tend to see things in black and white, and they can only know what THEY know. Because they see illness on a daily basis, they can become desensitized to the delicate emotional issues not directly presenting as symptoms to be treated. When a person is already vulnerable, especially if the MD has a poor bedside manner, a disconnect like this can heighten your feelings of fear or hopelessness, even if the prognosis is not so dire. It’s all about perception! And because you have just been Traumatized, you’re not at your most resilient, to ask questions, or process complicated treatment information. I believe everyone should speak with at least 2 oncologists/medical teams before committing to a treatment plan, and even if you feel numb or dis-embodied, your intuition is still in-tact, so listen to your gut.
Pay attention to how often you hear the word “cancer” in your daily life, and note how YOU feel in its presence. Stress, fear, and panic of this nature are not to be “managed” and certainly not by ourselves. Even if you are more removed from the day-to-day reminders of disease and mortality, most people know the kind of impact it can leave. Family, friends, co-workers, people you over-hear talking in the grocery store—chances are, someone you know is dealing cancer, which can have a deeper affect than you may even realize.
No matter what you tell yourself, or what the world thinks about being strong, when it comes to the harsh Realities of cancer, the most powerful beings are the ones who have the courage to be vulnerable. If you hear somebody struggling with the language “I don’t know what to do/say” or how to manage their emotions “I’m just sort of numb,” you may want to refer them to a professional who specializes in the emotional side of this complex disease.
A brain processing physical or emotional pain, cannot think rationally or make decisions about important matters of life and death. Pain hijacks an otherwise clear and grounded system, and can speak in the voice of rage and ugliness, creating an endless self-sustaining cycle of pain. You can practice identifying pain in others, based on how it triggers your own sensitivities. As much as you can, don’t engage the pain. Name it, acknowledge it for what it is—a totally normal reflection of this ugly frustrating mess you are in—but don’t respond to the words or the content. You don’t have to be afraid of pain, but you can’t argue with it either.
Be kind to yourself in times of your own pain and loss, and check-in with your loved ones who may be getting bad news, as they are likely mourning all of life’s losses more deeply than anyone can fathom. You don’t have to offer a fix…in fact, often it’s appreciated if you don’t. Just being with them in the presence of their pain and not judging, is the greatest compassion you can extend.
Trust in the fact that a well-informed network of people who care can act like a safety-net for people who find themselves in free-fall. I am reminded repeatedly, that we are all walking-wounded, with raw sensitivity to our own sadness, but often with little awareness of the other side. Stay mindful, and keep your heart open to the way cancer connects us all. I know it’s painful, but learning how to tend to all the pain gently and honestly, can literally be the difference between life and death. Cancer-pain, physical and emotional, is not to be “handled” alone. Amidst the flurry of doctors and specialists, medical appointments and treatment plans, and new and changing financial stressors, many people consider therapy just one-more-thing. However, with suicide on the rise, and stress-related illnesses highlighting a growing need to address mental and emotional concerns, it seems every treatment plan should come with a referral for a good therapist.
Do you have anything to add to the checklist?